why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
