At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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