when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
