Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
