I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
