i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
