Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
