I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
