Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
