i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
