her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
