I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
