new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
