dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
high people should be assigned attendants
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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