oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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