Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
