how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
