alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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