I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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