roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize