Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
