Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
