I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
