chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
