Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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