dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
