never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
