I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize