Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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