Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize