if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
