i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
