So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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