I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
