my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's never too late to be topless.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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