Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I cannot find my penis.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
