I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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