proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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