I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
