Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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