Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
