Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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