im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
