Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
