Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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