dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
