Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
