im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
