my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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