The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
