Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We are all done wearing pants today
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
