last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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