I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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