God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
