she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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