Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
