My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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