i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
