I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
