I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
