Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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