The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
