I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
