I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
