My sheets look like a crime scene.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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