i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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