if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
