Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize