Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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